Gay my first daddy

Like many young queer menI grew up in a homophobic environment. To step outside the hetero-masculine box was to be threatened, humiliated, and treated as an outsider. As a result, I never felt safe around other men.

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My family home was conservative and religious. I was taught that being gay was a sin and that to be "feminine" was repulsive. When it dawned on me that I might be one of these repulsive, sinful men, I was terrified. I felt that I had been robbed of my childhood. I didn't get to grow up feeling safe or protected.

I never felt a sense of pride from my father or acceptance from my peers. I had no one to guide me or teach me how to be a man. I grew up hyperanxious, rarely feeling grounded. It was like my body had matured but my psyche had not. Though I had a man's body, there was a scared little kid trembling inside.

Like many traumatized adultsI turned to casual sex for comfort. I'd learned that queer men like me could expect to find love only in dingy clubs and gay bars. But it was there that I had a profound healing experience. While dancing in an underground gay club at 24, I met a guy who was older than me.

He introduced himself as a "daddy. He asked whether he could call me his "boy. For some reason, the words "daddy" and "boy" lit a fire within me. Without knowing why, I immediately said "yes. He took me into his arms and ruffled my hair. He let me rest my head on his lap in the middle of that dingy underground club.

He talked to me in soft, nurturing words saying, "That's a daddy boy. Something about this gay presence was utterly intoxicating. For the first time, I sensed my body start to relax. I felt safe, secure, and protected. As my "daddy" held me, an indescribable thing happened: The traumatized little boy inside me started to awaken.